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Writing can kiss my ….

February 1, 2012

So, you know, I’ve written a novel which I will not talk about because of circumstances that now have it dissected like frog organs all over the sticky wax operating pan of my hard drive and I don’t like to talk about it in general, but I really don’t want to talk about it now, because, well, you know, it’s riddled with things like dangling plot points and pickled commas and I’m pretty sure at least one of the characters has their head preserved in a Costco mayonnaise jar. So, I’m not going to talk about that, but I am going to talk about trying to write something else, for someone else, but for me, too, you know, because it’s, like, impossible to write something for others and remain detached. Or it is for me, because, I’m all up in the “me” decade right now which is like the eighties, but without The Pet Shop Boys.

So, I want to write a bit about kissing and not soft porn for tumblr teens, which (sometimes) I do write under the guise of crafting perfect little sentences which, for the record, was my original intent until I realized that the tumblr kids really like some scintillating sentences about playing footsie or drinking Chivas and especially about telling lies and being nakedish and if they like your post you get a little heart to signify the moment. I like hearts. But back to kissing because when I think of kissing as a topic, the first thing I think of is NOT soft lips or that awkward moment when Rpattz and whatsherface did that smooch on the MTV movie awards, but about Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman when she says that she says she doesn’t kiss on the lips because it’s “too personal”. This reminds me that I probably have trust issues and tongues-are-gross issues, not to mention food smell issues and dental-face-touching issues, and maybe even a deep seated fear of becoming a prostitute when my yet-to-be writing career flops, but all that is beside the point.

Back to writing about kissing.

So, I ask myself, “Self, what do you want to say about kissing?” Of course, Self ignores me because Self is not interested in kissing right now because Self is too involved in trying to resurrect the broken chapters of the previously mentioned unmentionable and disassembled novel, so I persist and drag Self by her swollen ankles (from too much caffeine and microwave popcorn) out into the light where I’m required to give her a Pellegrino and a Milky Way Caramel to even get her to acknowledge me. Self is a self-absorbed bitch. And I’m pretty sure she’s been drinking all afternoon.

So, Self finally concedes that she’s convinced that words about kissing are yadda-yadda because there are pictures of kissing and movies about kissing and those little rapid fire repeating GIFs of people just kissing and licking and biting the crap out of each other and what interesting thing can be said about it by a person who is clearly incapable of capturing two years inside of five hundred pages much less one absolutely divine kiss in five hundred words. So, now Kissing sucks. Kissing is so over-the-top done that it’s, like, the Tebowing of the lip world, but still, I want to write some perfect thing about the perfect kiss and it won’t involve Tim Tebow even though his guns are, like, BAM!, because that would be creepy and it’s already creepy because I’m forty-two and talking about kissing and young, hard biceps in the same sentence, so I’m not going to talk about that anymore and even if I were going to talk about it, I’d just blame Self for bringing it up in the first place.

So, back to kissing —

Screw it. I hate writing.

21 Comments leave one →
  1. February 1, 2012 3:23 pm

    Yep, that’s writing.

    • February 1, 2012 5:49 pm

      And since I always trust your judgment, I now believe it so.

  2. February 1, 2012 3:30 pm

    You know a lot more about writing than I do, but I’m pretty sure I know more about kissing ‘cuz I’m totally way older, and if you mention Tebow and kissing in the same sentence, you will go directly to Fiery Hell.

    • February 1, 2012 5:51 pm

      Candy, I think you know more about everything than me. And I promise not to include any Tebow in my next kissing post, though Fiery Hell sounds like a vacation to me.

  3. February 1, 2012 3:58 pm

    lol candace! i think this is pent up sadness because of peyton myself…maybe a little road trip will make u feel better. tell robbie u have to come see me and we will finish the novel…lol, like that would ever happen…u would be baking and i would be eating and we would both be bitching and whining and watch the real housewives…walk away from the book til u watch a good movie that will make you cry… i know tons of them since that is all i watch…

    • February 1, 2012 5:53 pm

      My Har! I think I am having Post-Peyton Depression. Percocet is probably a good treatment, don’t you think. I am not watching any Notebookesque films. Everyone knows I have much more sophisticated taste. (The forst person to say the word Twilight will be banished from the kingdom, FYI.)

  4. Lisa Two Dogs permalink
    February 1, 2012 4:41 pm

    I have not been this amused in a long, long time. Kissing is not over rated, nor is it boring, but it does take reminding because honestly, the older I get the more I forget….

    • February 1, 2012 5:54 pm

      I agree, two-dogs, I just need to hold my mouth right to get it done. The post. The kissing. The post ……

  5. February 1, 2012 4:53 pm

    I have no idea what tumblr teens are, but let’s blame that on my being close to three thousand miles to the east and a different culture.

    Ah, now that you mention that strangest of movies, I found someone addressing the actress as K-Stew. For some reason I couldn’t stop snickering about that. Ugh.

    And, oh, now I understand about the Manuscript That Shall Not Be Named.

    Kisses like writing, can be painfully deceptive. I’ve always felt it should be a tad painful. What is kissing without the biting of lips?

    • February 1, 2012 5:58 pm

      Tumblr is a blogging platform with nifty quick post capabilities. Very popular with the quick-paced. Makes you wonder what I’m doing there, right? Heeee!

      Yes, K-Stew and RPattz. Sometimes known as Robstin. God help me for knowing that.

      Let’s continue not to name it. I haven’t got time for the pain.

      And kisses. Beautiful, velvety kisses. With biting. Yes.

  6. Bill S. permalink
    February 1, 2012 5:05 pm

    I thought this was gonna be about ass-kissing. You’re such a frickin’ tease, Annie.

    Bite me.

    Personally, I find kissing to be extraordinary, especially when I like, forget to breath and then I turn blue and pass out, and then my wife freaks out and throws water on me.

    Oh, wait – that’s not me and my wife, that’s the neighbors…….

    • February 1, 2012 6:00 pm

      I think you’ve confused kissing and waterboarding again. You should have never signed up for that Dick Cheney intimacy class online.

  7. February 1, 2012 9:57 pm


  8. February 1, 2012 10:03 pm

    look what i started. i couldn’t be more proud of myself even if i haven’t the faintest freaking idea who Kstew is. the kissing thing brought out DR BLEVINS!!!! so it doesn’t matter now if peyton gets traded to the … ssssssh. don’t say it out loud.

    • February 2, 2012 7:41 am

      YES! You and your kissing … wait a minute … Peyton whaaa??????

  9. February 1, 2012 10:10 pm

    You not-writing is better than most peoples’ actual-writing efforts. =D

  10. February 5, 2012 8:35 am

    I admit I hate my Self sometimes too and hate the writing as well. But sometimes, when stupid crap like insurance, housework and mortgage escrow funds make me want to puke, something just leaks out on “paper” (in bytes) and I start loving it all again somehow. Also, on kissing, I am easily distracted which is not a good sign at all.

  11. February 5, 2012 9:31 am

    Writing is a harsh roommate. An excellent read, m’am.

  12. April 13, 2012 10:36 am

    Writing is the worst. I wish I could stop.

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